Off-Trail
Reclaim Your Cadence
Her husband left on the morning of her birthday. She was expecting breakfast in bed, that was the ritual anyway. They hadn't been married very long, 3 years to be exact. Why breakfast in bed you ask? This was what his mother was given on her birthday every year. She came to expect kindness on her birthday, but abuse the remaining 364. She was bitter. She wasn't upset, or angry, but bitter.
"What's wrong with me"
This was her constant thought. As each day passed she didn't deal with work problems as well as before. She's stuck working with a power struggle that doesn't even exist anymore. Her unhappiness is constant. She seems to be unpleasant in every situation. She was a doormat. She had been conditioned to not have power. She hadn't felt power in her life, in her marriage.
She is not having a meaningful or effective cadence in life. Where once there was a heartbeat to her story, now exists apathy and rumination. She got off track. Off a healthy path.
We all find ourselves there from time to time , in some degree. Forgetting to give ourselves pregnant pauses between each transition or life event. We rush through drawing meaning. This is often a trend that is carried into the therapy session. Clients rush, turning from one life crisis to another. If we're not careful, we forget to narrate and begin to fall deeper into the clients rabbit hole.
Rather than trailing off, therapists can aid in sourcing where the client got off track. Erik Eriksons stages of development is an extremely powerful reflective tool to see which virtue the client was frozen from acquiring. Hope? Will? Purpose? Competence? Fidelity? Love? Care? Wisdom?
*See link
This can be a very empowering exercise! But what then? She now has power but she doesn't know how to use it! The client can build on this virtue, this power, and use it as a tool not a weapon! She doesn't have the manual for this new tool! Most times, clients are not ready to use these new found tools, this new found power. Most times they will resist.
Pain can be a familiar experience, and not an emotion clients will move away from very quickly. Resistance leaves the client in familiarity, even if it brings pain. Similar to cleaning a fish tank, the water has to be conditioned, set at the right temperature, otherwise it will be too much for the fish to handle.
Resistance keeps the client going down the same path rather than getting back on the healthy path. People demonstrate their power (control) by staying where they are, in that familiarity and pain. Clients will express they are in pain and feel like there's nothing that they can do. We have the honor of reflecting that darkness.
"I see you in misery"
There seems to be a woundedness with clients who have low self esteem and self image, which is unfortunately translated as defectiveness by themselves and those around them. Where did the client get the message that they are so valueless? And is the answer truly that important?
As effective therapists, we can stare into the abyss with our clients, but we don't stay there for long, we move to hope. Neither we, nor our clients can appreciate the hope until we see the darkness in which they came from. The hope is found in confrontation, fairness, justice.
This is the work, re-scripting the meaning and impact of conflict!
We value safety and belonging, virtue and meaning. However we seem to need to take control over these things, over most things in life.The truth is, having input and influential impact over ones life is much different than the destructive tendency to desire full control over all aspects of life.
As a therapist, are you comfortable making people feel uncomfortable? Are your clients comfortable with discomfort? When clients find themselves utterly lost on their path, their nose stuck in a map that goes nowhere, we can aid in taking the first step back to where they left off.
Geries Shaheen is a Provisionally Licensed Professional Counselor operating in and around St. Louis Missouri. Geries teaches psych classes as an Adjunct at Saint Louis Christian College and offers Adolescent/ Family Therapy through Preferred Family Healthcare . Geries holds his BA in Intercultural Studies from Lincoln Christian University, and his MA in Professional Counseling from Lindenwood University. Holding a certificate in Life Coaching, Geries provides life coaching services to clients online throughout the nation.
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